The truth is…
Facebook has a massive sized data center in Iowa, don’tcha think?
Hey. It’s Eat24. Look, we need to talk. This isn’t easy to say since we’ve been together so long, but we need to break up. We’d love to say “It’s not you, it’s us,” but it’s totally you. Not to be rude, but you aren’t the smart, funny social network we fell in love with several years back. You’ve changed. A lot.
When we first met, you made us feel special. We’d tell you a super funny joke about Sriracha and you’d tell all our friends and then everyone would laugh together. But now? Now you want us to give you money if we want to talk to our friends. Now when we show you a photo of a taco wrapped with bacon, you’re all like, “PROMOTE THIS POST! GET MORE FRIENDS!” instead of just liking us for who we are. That’s hella messed up.
So we Googled you (nothing too creepy, just some light research) and found out you’re doing this because of a new algorithm that decides what people want to see in their News Feeds. If that’s true, that means your algorithm is saying most of our friends don’t care about sushi porn, that they aren’t interested in hearing our deepest thoughts about pizza toppings. Are you listening to yourself? Do you know how ridiculous that sounds? You know that all those people clicked “like” on our page because it’s full of provocatively posed burritos and cheese puns, right?
But we loved you, Facebook, so we tried to understand you and your algorithm. As far as we could tell, though, it involves the words “affinity” and “time decay.” There also might be a Greek letter in there somewhere, but we’re not sure cuz we got bored and ordered a panini. Look Facebook, all we’re saying is that we wanted to share a joke about chicken wings, not ponder astrophysics.
Even if we could figure out your mysterious, all-knowing algorithm, it’s constantly changing, so what works today might not work tomorrow. Posting something that most of our friends see is like biting into a burrito and actually getting all seven layers … never gonna happen. The point is, you’re wasting our time and cock-blocking food porn from our friends. Not cool, Facebook, not cool.
And it’s true, we got a ton of new likes on our page. Look at all these new friends, we thought. There’s a guy in Houston, and this guy in … Bangladesh? And this girl in … Dubai? WTF Facebook!? When we said, “We want to take over the world with taquitos,” it was mostly a metaphor (also it was 4:20 at the time). Well, we really do want to feed the whole world one day, but right now we’re only in the U.S., so even though we love our new international friends, we’d prefer not to piss them off by showing them a photo of a delicious calzone that they can’t even order. Why did you think we wanted friends we can’t actually feed? That makes about as much sense as getting a pepperoni pizza and only one slice has pepperoni on it.
So that’s it. We’re done. All you’re left with are some single-serve freezer meals. Us? We can eat a whole pizza by ourselves, so we aren’t even worried about that. We’ll pack our things and be gone by 11:59 p.m. on Monday night. Yes, you read that right. Eat24, the company that is always telling customers to like our page, post on our wall, and ask us for coupons on Facebook … is deleting its Facebook. This is real.
Will anyone miss it? Will anyone even know it’s gone?
Who knows what’ll happen between now and Monday. Maybe so many of our friends will write on our wall to say goodbye that your API will break. OK, we don’t actually know what an API is or if it can break, but something might crash or have an error or make the mouse do that pinwheel thing. So have a nice life and good luck playing Words with Friends alone.
P.S. If you are reading this and your name isn’t Facebook, and you are in fact one of our beautiful hungry customers — WE STILL LOVE YOU and we’re giving you a chance to say goodbye. Any last words? Since we’re deleting the whole thing on Monday at 11:59 p.m., you can say pretty much whatever you want. Confess your love of brussel sprouts, admit that you still suck your thumb, reveal your celebrity crush. We’ll never tell. Say goodbye to Eat24’s Facebook.
P.P.S.S. If you are reading this and you’re hungry, luckily our app isn’t powered by social media or even blogs. We’d love to help you make food happen. Get the Eat24 app and summon egg rolls to your couch.
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